aosid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - if there is a bold bone in this body, it's the one that pulls me towards the road. highways never disappoint. leaving. the understated loom of unfamiliar mountains in the distance reminding you that you are half-lost. the singular newness of exploring somebody else's old haunts. flight is always an option, and oh what a glorious one it is. we planned to live on a houseboat once, before i knew the ring was off your finger, before our years putting off the inevitable ended, before that night of haze and tinnitus and comfortable bliss, and before i sold you out to chase a ghost again. i've been wondering if we're another lost cause - rather, another cause i've left to bleed out on the curb. i've only ever tried to do right, but my best intentions look strikingly similar to a shark playing the odds. i've done wretched nothings to you who are one of my dearest. you've been through enough to know how to leave that behind, but maybe i haven't. and that's the sinister side of the road. four tires on asphalt, they're a panacea; they pull me away from one burnt-out skyline after another; they are the most perfect emblem for "you'll be better off this way." i believe them because i have to, because i've never believed i can rebuild, because my absence has always seemed a favor. and that's a part of me that deserves to be excised. We sit on the faded astroturf that covers the stoop of 811. We both nurse the slender black candles that have since become our tradition. I am caught up on some girl - it seems so urgent, although I will forget the details within a year. I love my companion dearly - we understand each other thoroughly but never in words. She always says that we'll get married someday, and I do believe her. She is recently single. We blow smoke into the twilit park across the street. "He knew he could be with me forever the day he realized he would never love me." We say nothing more because the matching looks on our faces have already said it. We shake our heads in time and lie back on our steps. 9:58 p.m. - 2011-11-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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