aosid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - a change of voice: i'm so infatuated with words (shimmering alliterations, cute internal rhymes) that i tend to neglect the subjects that don't lend themselves to low-hanging poetry. but it turns out that i have more than a few slipping cogs in my head that need to be shown the spotlight, though i lack pretty bows to hang on them. i can get so anxious. i hate the word; it always sounds so demeaning aloud, like it's just a stubborn choice that i need to unmake. but i have the most embarrassing time failing to fight it: nervous pacing, cold sweats, hyperventilation. when it's bad in the summer, sometimes i even fall asleep like an avoidant four-year-old. the worst part is how capricious the triggers are: i can freely approach tellers but not secretaries; i can knock but not ring; i am petrified by strange phone numbers. and the worst of those in turn are the simple appointments i need to tend to to make a life. take this college application: i want to master these maths. i can do the work. i've somehow convinced enough old professors of it. and yet i've avoided writing the four or five requisite paragraphs for something like six months. when i amass the considerable nerve required to sit down and start, some useless wretched terror starts clawing around in my chest. so i sit and threaten myself for an hour or two with a blinking cursor as witness. then i run, knowing full well that while the blank page will not follow, the defensive lies and the guilt and those damn submissive compromises will outlast me by far. this situation is less than ideal. but i have to hope that this naming of fears will help somehow. i don't believe i've been so frank about it in person; certainly i've told part of it to a few confidants, but i keep a strange menagerie of over-bold extroverts. if there was a way for them to understand, i didn't find it. so they heard my understated pleas as in a foreign tongue. and so i hardly consider my attempts confessions. but here's to freedom. because i just want to write about infinity and petrichor and cemeteries and stars and kisses. 8:14 a.m. - 2013-02-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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