aosid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - damn this machine. i don't even remember why i built it, but it's been grinding away faithfully for a decade or so. conventional wisdom says that it's a defense mechanism against some perceived psychological threat, some sort of paranoid golem meant to me from embarrassment. i think i crossed the wrong wires back then, though. i shouldn't be afraid of doorbells. i've heard anxiety described as a nervous doppelganger or as a storm at sea. i can see it, but mine has always been cold elaborate clockwork. when i give it free rein (like i have for years) it works ceaselessly, calculating the exact lies that i'll have to tell to avoid dealing with any given stimulus. it's tiring to keep weaving on a web this complex. i don't even remember how to chase what i want. hell, wanting was the first dangerous truth i buried. that paralysis makes sense, at least - wanting leads to disappointment, and disappointment is to be avoided At All Costs. it's almost comfortable to live like that. but i think i can dismantle this thing. i finally have some big stupid ideas that i have to try and build. my awful little fear machine can't help me anymore. it won't go easily, but it'll go, i hope. for now i just want people to understand why i am the way i am sometimes. 11:56 p.m. - 2014-01-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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