aosid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - a quick night, one with a bit of joy and a bit of drudgery, yields one truth: i need to get the fuck off my high horse. nobody wants that sort of entitled vampirism. and the pretense of standing on higher ground, that can go too. i felt so low and useless before i came to see you, joe, before i saw what it does to a good fellow. nothing's more poisonous than feeling like you deserve something, especially when it's because you do mean the best. chivalry is a game to play with a smug crust over that same old abusive heart, a heart that seeks to dominate even though it doesn't beat in one of those douchebags we always rage against. that empty doormat ache is one trouble of yours that i won't try and sooth because it's the only reward that will keep you earnest and pure, the only vaccine that will save you from this pathetically proud false altruism. this night (the sort that disappointment dreams it can be when it grows up) is going to drive you to a perfect little patch of frank self-interest, that secret linchpin we always forget in our other coats when we sell ourselves to an alluring hypothesis. you'll come out the other side happy and free and cussing like a teenager, and you won't settle again for a time, and maybe things will actually work out for you when you've finally forgotten to try. for all the appearances of thinly veiled self-reference, this isn't really about me. me, i need to call my dad for his birthday and clean up the apartment and carve a pumpkin. i'm dropping needy charity and sacrilegious idle time in favor of a guitar and maybe a book or two. beyond that, i can't really say - do i really seem like i know what i need? here's to the end of my agendas. 4:23 a.m. - 2011-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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