aosid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - the pulse of the city was soft and low this morning, little hints of winter in its blood (the clarity of the western sky, the gentle bite in the breeze). i wanted only to bathe in that secret heartbeat like i so rarely can these days. but i was caught in another of those witching-hour webs (six walls and crushing fear). it's hard to run from a hunter that stalks from every side. so i tossed and turned and paced and growled as the nameless anxiety closed in from every corner (temples aching back twisting ribcage collapsed). and then it was enough. just like in any fairy tale worth its salt, the sun rose exactly when i was ready to surrender (to sleep or collapse or spontaneous combustion, i don't know). and i remembered all the gleaming little paradises i dream of, anchors and numbers and kisses and music. i wasn't instantly cured of my stupid manic defects, but i somehow managed to see them for the ugly little snowballs they are. it has been a repeated pattern in my life: make a little mistake. lie about it. lie to cover the lie. and so on, ad nauseum. the magnitude of the current story i've created to explain my underachievements is honestly sickening. what i learned, what i decided this morning is that although i can't slay this imaginary abomination, i can write its unmourned death at any time. like, now. i'm sorry. i'm a little ridiculous. but i'll be so much better. i'll rise to meet this glorious future 12:17 p.m. - 2013-07-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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